A Poem About The Things That Make Me Cry

I'm man enough to admit that there are things that make me cry.
And just in case you're curious, I'll list some reasons why:

At the end of Terminator 2, when Arnold reached a painful truth:
"I know now why you cry, it is something I can nevah do."

Six Million Dollar Man, Season 2, the death of Jaime Sommers.
Even though she came back later, it was still a major bummer.

That episode of He-Man, where he refused to cut down Skytree.
He taught us all to respect nature, and let the trees live free.

Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, Spock died to save the ship.
I know, he wasn't really gone, but my tears don't give a shit.

The death of Deets in Lonesome Dove, and how Gus understands
that he and Woodrow should have done better, for that damn good man.

The ultimate fate of Donnie Darko, in that deleted scene.
I'm glad they cut it from the movie, because it was downright mean.

That saddest part of Highlander, when Connor buries his first wife.
The skillful use of that song* by Queen just cuts me like a knife.

Up on the roof in Blade Runner, as Batty fights through the pain
to deliver his final speech about the loss of tears in rain.

And on my scruffy cheeks did a million sad tears run,
as Captain Kirk stared into the mystery and gasped "It's been...fun."

Most of the things that make me cry are found in movies or TV.
I'd much rather be upset from those, than events in reality.

But one time I cried FOR REALS, and in tears did everything soak.
Because lightning struck my DVD player, and the damn thing broke.

*Who Wants To Live Forever?

A Romantic Poem About The First Terminator Film

The Terminator is a romantic film,
from a certain point of view.

If you do not understand,
then I will explain it to you.

The Terminator loved to kill,
that is, if robots have emotion.

But this is not the time or place
to explore that notion.

I speak instead of Kyle Reese,
that brave future soldier.

And how he traveled time and space,
just so he could hold her.

Kyle's world was dark, a living hell,
ruled by the Machines

Who sought to smash the human race
that they declared obscene.

Man's only hope was John Connor,
leader of the free.

But the Machines plotted to alter time,
so he would never be.

They planned to kill his mother, Sarah,
back in 1984.

If John wasn't born, the humans would loose
and the Machines could win the war.

So Kyle went back, to protect and fight,
with grim determination.

And save the woman that he loved
from the doom of termination.

And save her he did, he won the war,
even though he lost the fight.

But before he died, he expressed his love,
and proved it through the night.

One night was all they had together,
but it wasn't completely tragic.

Because the love they shared would save the world,
don't tell me that ain't romantic!

A Poem About Things I Would Discuss With Ms. Alison Brie If We Went On A Date

Alison is it you I love, or is it your character, Annie?

And what captivates me more, your awesome boobs or rockin' fanny?

If you saw me in a crowd, would I catch your eye?
I'd be afraid to approach you, but I'd still give it a try.

If we had a conversation, would my charms draw you closer?
Would you be impressed by my REVENGE OF THE JEDI poster?

Would you agree, if I asked you nicely, to join me for dinner?
If you did I'd be a lucky man, and finally feel like a winner.

After that, if the sky is clear, we could take a moonlit walk.
We'll stroll along beneath the stars and have an intimate talk.

I'm a real good listener, you can tell me anything.
And if things were going well, would you let me hear you sing?

Then we'll stop and gaze upon the mystery of the Moon.
And maybe discuss our future plans, or am I speaking too soon?

Life is short, so I'll be bold, and lay it on the line.
For who knows when those stars will fall and we'll be out of time?

I would never lie to you, and I would never be mean.
And I'll do all the housework, I like to cook and clean.

If you have a flat tire, I'll be there to change it.
And if you don't like the living room, then I will rearrange it.

If you need attention I will shower you with kisses.
And after we eat the meal I've cooked, I'll wash all the dishes.

I'll be there to dry your eyes if you get in a tiff.
If someone hurts you, I'll whip some ass, like when George punched out Biff.

I would never fail you, and I'll pass every test.
And I'll get up to feed the baby, because you need your beauty rest.

It wouldn't be a mistake, if you decided to date me.
And in time, if I do things right, maybe you'll appreciate me.

That's really all I want, I'm just looking for a chance.
I've got some pretty good moves, but I never get asked to dance.

I'm not just writing clever rhymes, I mean what I say.
I'm good man, and I'm worth a shot, and I'll prove it every day.

I'm Writing You A Night Poem To Tell You How I Feel...

(A Poem Inspired By DRIVE)

I want to be a stone-cold dude,
that's right, just like The Driver.

I wouldn't flinch, I wouldn't hurt,
and I'd never be a cryer.

The Driver was a good guy,
even though he worked for crooks.

But he wouldn't hesitate to stab their asses,
just ask Albert Brooks.

I'd drive real fast and drive real good,
for the highest paying racket.

And I'd keep myself alone and armored
in a bad ass Scorpion Jacket.

Sometime's I'd have someone to love
and allow myself to feel.

But I wouldn't let it last too long,
because I know that love ain't real.

I'll never be stopped and never be killed,
I always will survive.

Because you can't kill a man
who's not really alive.

After it's over, I'll start my car
and zip my armor up tight.

Then DRIVE into the mystery,
a shadow in the night.

A Poetic Defense Of Mr. Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage is in a class by himself.
He's the only mega-actor, there is no one else!

Mega-acting calls for something much more.
Cage doesn't knock, he SMASHES through doors.

He doesn't just chew, he DEVOURS scenery.
A calculated move on his part, I believe.

His bizarre performances are so bad they're good.
But people don't dig him, so he's misunderstood.

Right now he's been down, and he's had some bad luck.
But one day he'll prevail, and tell the haters to shut up.

Some fans have forsaken him, but I'm never gonna.
Now I'm gonna go watch Raising Arizona.

Beat The Flush!

Sometimes when I'm in a rush,
I like to play beat the flush.

I hit the handle before I go,
and see if I outrace the flow.

Sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.

But a few hours later, I'll try again!

Dear George Lucas...

Dear George Lucas,

I'm writing you this poem.

To ask you very nicely to

leave Star Wars alone.

Don't you understand we fans

just want to love you?

But when you rape our childhoods

all we want to do is shove you.

When you change these films

you're committing cinematic murder.

Every time they come back out

we pray you haven't altered them further.

You think you're making them better,

but you're just making them worse.

Vader shouldn't scream NOOO!

and Han should always shoot first!

I know you own these films

and you can do just as you please.

Like re-release them endlessly

to feed your Empire's greed.

But you could make a ton of money

if you restored the original versions.

And silence the cries and screams of all

the geeks and nerds and virgins.

I'll ask you one more time,

before I have to go.

Don't make a Special Ed. Vader

who likes to scream out NO!