Beat The Flush!

Sometimes when I'm in a rush,
I like to play beat the flush.

I hit the handle before I go,
and see if I outrace the flow.

Sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.

But a few hours later, I'll try again!

Dear George Lucas...

Dear George Lucas,

I'm writing you this poem.

To ask you very nicely to

leave Star Wars alone.

Don't you understand we fans

just want to love you?

But when you rape our childhoods

all we want to do is shove you.

When you change these films

you're committing cinematic murder.

Every time they come back out

we pray you haven't altered them further.

You think you're making them better,

but you're just making them worse.

Vader shouldn't scream NOOO!

and Han should always shoot first!

I know you own these films

and you can do just as you please.

Like re-release them endlessly

to feed your Empire's greed.

But you could make a ton of money

if you restored the original versions.

And silence the cries and screams of all

the geeks and nerds and virgins.

I'll ask you one more time,

before I have to go.

Don't make a Special Ed. Vader

who likes to scream out NO!

Dark Rhymes For Dark Times

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

 

How many times must I hear it said

before I accept the truth?

That I am just not good enough

and there's nothing I can do.

I first heard it back in high school

and it devastated me then.

Because deep down, somehow I knew,

that I'd hear it again and again.

I've heard it said so many times

that by now I have lost count

I wish I could change and make myself matter,

but I just don't know how.

I really don't want to change,

I'm happy with how I am.

But how I am ain't workin'

so I need a change of plan.

I've tried to change my looks

and change my way of thinking.

I try to keep my head above water,

but still I feel I'm sinking.

You can say I'm being foolish,

that I've just got the blues.

But you'd be sayin' different

if you walked a mile in my shoes.

Cause it's like an itch you just can't scratch,

and a feelin' you just can't shake.

And it's getting' to the point

where it's more than I can take.

But I've no desire to end it all,

I doubt even Death would have me.

So I'll just keep on livin' and

hopin' that someone will understand me.

IT'S NOT HARD

 

It's hard to be unwanted

and it's hard to be unloved.

It's hard to get back up

when all you get from life is shoved.

It's hard to lose your heart

to someone who doesn't give a shit.

It's hard to try and love again

and not give in and quit.

It's hard to see your childhood friends,

grown-up and happily married.

It's hard not to feel you've failed

and that your life is buried.

It's hard not to sit and sulk

and wallow in you hate.

It's hard not to curse the “gods”

who consigned you to this fate.

It's hard not to be cut and wounded

when others ignore your words.

It's hard not to feel

that life is a toilet filled with turds.

But it's not hard for me

to see through the pain and darkness.

I have dreams and drive and power,

that I've yet to harness.

It's not hard for me

to clear my head and realize.

That it's better to say I've failed

than to have never even tried.

It's not hard for me

to reconcile my hurt and cope.

Cause I'm still alive and kickin'

and where there's life, there's hope.

50 Short Poems About 50 Hot-Ass Babes!

WARNING!  These poems are for DUDES ONLY!  They should NOT be read by any Ladies.  If you are a Lady, and you want to read them, then you should only do so if you have a good sense of humor.  I'm serious, these poems are R-Rated.  Don't let your kids read them, either, even if your kids are little dudes!

Sienna Miller
I want to fill her

Amber Heard
likes it freaky I've heard

Erica Durance
I wanna get in her pants

Sarah Michelle Gellar
I want to gel her

Rashida Jones
come jump on my bones

Mandy Moore
lets get on the floor

Kate Beckinsale
I want to wreck that tail

Liv Tyler
there's nothin' finer

Mary Elizabeth Winstead
I want to get in bed

Ellen Page
gives me boner rage

Maggie Gyllenhaal
I want to drill and ball

Emma Stone
please come to my home

Selma Blair
I wanna get in there

Marina Sirtis
I'd like to service

Karen Gillan
I'll give ya a drillin'

Mila Kunis
I wanna lick that poonis

Scarlett Johannsson
let's do some horizontal dancin'

Jenna Malone
yes I wanna bone

Tina Fey
you know I wanna lay

Natalie Portman
yep, I wanna pork, man

Kristen Kreuk
yep, I wanna fuck

Hilary Swank
I have something you can yank

Annabeth Gish
I'll eat you on a dish

Kelly Preston
I want to caress them

Kirsten Dunst
we'll do it more than once

Maria Bello
I want to be your fellow

Julie Benz
we'll do it again and againz

Kelly Ripa
I want to get a grip-a

Hilary Duff
you can ride me rough

Natalie Zea
in her I want to be-a

That Red-Headed Lady from the B-52s
I'll time travel to the 80s so we can screw

Winona Ryder
I want to ride her

Kristen Wiig
makes my wiener do a jig

Halle Berry
I would bang but not marry

Jennifer Connelly
come get on top of me

Alyssa Milano
I wanna get to know

Abbie Cornish
is makin' me hornish

Freema Agyeman
let's sign a sex agreement

Lauren Graham
I wanna be your man

Katy Mixon
is one hot vixen

Summer Glau
makes my wiener go ka-pow!

Megan Fox
I wanna bang her lots

Christina Applegate
= time to masturbate

Amy Poehler
I want to pole her

Lynda Carter
is makin' me harder

Jenna Fischer
I want to get in her

Sigourney Weaver
something…something…beaver

Jessica Biel
I wanna give 'em a feel

Elizabeth Banks
has inspired many wanks

Alison Brie
please marry me

A Two-Fisted, Time-Travelin', Ass-Beatin' Poem In Which I Avenge Ms. Bettie Page.

Bettie Page had a shitty life and ran into a lot of bastards.  But it's nothing I couldn't fix with my hands...and a time travel machine.


If I could time travel,
I'd go help Bettie Page.

Her life was sad and tragic,
and that fills me with rage.

Her father was a monster,
a piece of redneck trash.

For putting his filthy hands on her,
I plan to beat his ass.

And the men who attacked her in New York
and left her violated.

Will be introduced to my Rambo Knife,
which will leave them mutilated.

And all the others who did her wrong
and frayed her sanity.

Had best review their choices,
or else answer to me.

Bettie wasn't just pretty,
she was sweet and kind and smart.

And I curse this cold and hurtful world
for breaking her poor heart.

The things she suffered and pain she felt
to me are a great crime.

And I would undo all that hurt,
If I could travel time.