A Poem That Spans Time And Space (and ends with me marrying one of the hottest chicks ever!)

There are many things I would do,
if I could travel time and space.

Like stop that piece of trash
from cutting Tina Fey's young face.

I'd hunt down Townes Van Zandt
and say lay off the drugs and drink.

Then go tell George Lucas to
reconsider Jar-Jar Binks.

I'd get on Buddy Holly's bus
and try to fix that heater.

And then suggest to Pee Wee Herman
to stay out of that theater.

I'd warn Roky Erickson to
never plead insanity.

And do my best to get Sam Raimi
to cancel Spider-Man 3.

I'd deliver a cancer warning
to guitar god Mick Ronson.

Then convince The Academy to
give an Oscar to Charles Bronson.

Of course I'd do my damnedest to
prevent the 9/11 attack.

Then head back to the 1950s
to marry Kim Novak.

That last part isn't selfish,
it's deserved, you see.

I should be rewarded for

performing those good deeds.

Heaven Beckons The MACHO MAN!!!

He was a giant among men,
a Lord Of The Ring.

When it came to wrestling,
he was one of the Kings.

Most dudes would cut promos
that were totally “BLEHHH!”

But he demanded attention
when he said “OOH YEAHH!”

To list his achievements
would take many hours.

Like when he teamed with Hulk Hogan
to form the Mega Powers.

A master of his craft,
he'd earned the right to gloat.

He had the best match EVER
when he fought Ricky Steamboat.

There's not much I'm sure of,
but one thing I do know.

You would NOT want to receive
his flying elbow.

His impact on history
will always be felt.

There was NO greater champion
of the Intercontinental Belt.

If the holy men are right,
and there is a Great Plan.

Then it was HEAVEN
that beckoned the Macho Man!

Debate In Poetry Form: Han Solo vs. Malcolm Reynolds

I'm about to begin a dangerous debate.
About who's the King of Bad Ass, and who ultimately ain't.

From Star Wars, Captain Han Solo, of the Millennium Falcon.
From Firefly, Captain Reynolds, whose first name is Malcolm.

Both have kick ass guns, both are really funny.
Both are good at fightin' and mackin' on space honeys.

Han Solo fought The Empire, and gave 'em lots of Hell.
But Mal fought Space Yankees, with a proud Rebel Yell.

Han's only crew was Chewbacca, and that's not a lot.
Mal had 4 dudes + 4 chicks, and all them chicks were hot.

Serenity was old and creaky, salvaged from a wreck.
The Falcon made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Mal had some cool threads, including his Browncoat.
But nothing is fucking cooler than Han's ESB blue coat.

Mal beat The Alliance by making The 'Verse aware.
Han defeated The Empire with help from goddamn Care Bears.

Ewoks?  Really?  In disgust I hand my head.
Ewoks are a dealbreaker, and with that I say, 'Nuff Said!

Winner: Malcolm Reynolds.

Question: What Would Happen If I Wrote An Easter Poem? Answer: The Easter Bunny Meets Robocop.

Here is a tale of The Easter Bunny.
But it's wrought with vengeance and it ain't funny.

He was skipping along without any bother.
When he ran into a man named Clarence Boddicker.

He was an Old Detroit crimelord who fought Robocop.
But now he's turned his attention to things that hop.

He pulled out his guns and said "Gimme some eggs!"

And the Easter Bunny cried and started to beg.

But Clarence didn't care 'cause he's a mean piece of shit.

He opened fire point blank and The Bunny got hit.

His legs got blown off and he screamed in pain.

And then Clarence Boddicker put a bullet through his brain.

Clarence laughed real hard and went about his way.

As far as he was concerned, he'd killed Easter that day.

The Easter Bunny lay dying, but hope was not lost.

For suddenly there appeared a real hero - Robocop!

Robo picked up The Bunny and said "This won't do!"
"I'll take you to OCP, where they'll fix you!"

They went to OCP and The Bunny got fixed.

With a cyborg bunny body and big guns that were sick!

With his new legs he could hop really high.

And he could shoot lasers from his new robot eyes.

So Robo and E.B. hit the mean streets.
To serve the public trust with lots of scum to defeat.

They found Clarence Boddicker hangin' out with some hos.
They were havin' a coke party and snortin' mountains of blow.

Clarence saw the cyborgs and he couldn't believe.

So he pulled out some guns and yelled "Bitches, leave!"

But Robo and E.B. were faster on the draw.
Clarence was shot to shit like you ain't never saw.

E.B. had his vengeance and Easter was saved.
Thank God cybernetics can let you rise from the grave.

An Angrily Aquatic Poem About Aquaman!

Aquaman is cool, I don't care what people say.

He is bad ass and rad, NOT stupid and gay!

He can breath underwater, he's not a prisoner of land.

I wish I had an army of fish to command.

He's got a Kingdom in Atlantis, and I want that life.

With telepathic powers and a hot red-headed wife.

Yes, I said Atlantis, I did not say Atlanta.

And he's the only hero around who can stop Black Manta.

If you don't dig him, there's just one thing you can do.

Hear this decree from the King of the Sea: “Surface dwellers, FUCK YOU!”

A Poem About A Man I Saw Sitting On A Bucket, Eating Church's Chicken.

Old man sitting by the road on a bucket.
Yelling at the world and telling it to suck it.

Homeless and nameless and crazyness stricken.
His only joy in the world is eating Church's Chicken.

In some ways he's better off than both you and me.
His only concern is that bucket, and in that regard, he is free.

A True Poem About How I Almost Dated A Stripper (NOTE: contains two Star Wars references!)

I almost made a fatal mistake
and went out with a stripper.

She tried to slice into my mind,
like a mental Jack The Ripper.

She had studied some psychology,
but I didn't realize

That she used her skills for evil,
not just to psychoanalyze.

I called her on the phone
and we spoke for many hours.

She tried to seduce my senses,
with her psycho powers.

She told me of her life,
and started to gain my trust.

But when I shared with her,
the plan went into thrust.

Once she had some dirt on me
she tried to launch an attack.

But she didn't know I'm like The Empire,
I know how to STRIKE BACK!

You see, I minored in psychology,
when I was in college.

I'm also like The Jedi,
I use my mind for defense and knowledge.

She thought cause she was cunning and hot
that she could always get her way.

But when she met me,
she met a man who wouldn't play.

She tried to dominate me,
but instead she earned my wrath.

I avoided her evil scheme
and told her to kiss my ass.

I successfully cut all ties,
and she cannot track me down.

Luckily for me,
I'm good at never being found.

I don't care if she was really smart
and also really pretty.

A toilet can be made of gold
but that don't mean it ain't shitty.