A True Poem About How I Almost Dated A Stripper (NOTE: contains two Star Wars references!)

I almost made a fatal mistake
and went out with a stripper.

She tried to slice into my mind,
like a mental Jack The Ripper.

She had studied some psychology,
but I didn't realize

That she used her skills for evil,
not just to psychoanalyze.

I called her on the phone
and we spoke for many hours.

She tried to seduce my senses,
with her psycho powers.

She told me of her life,
and started to gain my trust.

But when I shared with her,
the plan went into thrust.

Once she had some dirt on me
she tried to launch an attack.

But she didn't know I'm like The Empire,
I know how to STRIKE BACK!

You see, I minored in psychology,
when I was in college.

I'm also like The Jedi,
I use my mind for defense and knowledge.

She thought cause she was cunning and hot
that she could always get her way.

But when she met me,
she met a man who wouldn't play.

She tried to dominate me,
but instead she earned my wrath.

I avoided her evil scheme
and told her to kiss my ass.

I successfully cut all ties,
and she cannot track me down.

Luckily for me,
I'm good at never being found.

I don't care if she was really smart
and also really pretty.

A toilet can be made of gold
but that don't mean it ain't shitty.

KICK ASS POETRY SHOWCASE: SLAM BAM PAM

This one was sent in by one of my many fans, The Intruder, who is the only man in the world who opposes the marriage of Jim and Pam on The Office!

Slam Bam Pam

You are an angel in The Office
Pam, to me you look so fine
I would bitch slap Jim, I promise
then I'd show you a real good time.

Sexy as hell when you send a fax
or take a message from David Wallace
Just make sure to shave or wax
and I'll finish you with a nice polish.

I really can't believe you married him.
Seriously speaking, go f--k yourself Jim!

NOOOO! Natalie Portman Is Knocked Up AND Getting Married!? NOOOOOO!

Natalie Portman is pregnant and engaged.
Nerdmen everywhere are now crying with rage.

When the news hit it dropped like a bomb.
And crushed all dreams of hooking up with Leia's mom.

She's an object of worship for many nerd dudes.
Getting knocked up and hitched is just plain rude.

Doesn't she know that she's breaking our hearts?
Doesn't she care that she's tearing us apart?

Who can we turn to and who can we trust?
Who will be the new Queen Of Nerd Lust?

But I have a solution, so I'm not too sad.
Alison Brie is still single, and for that I am glad.

P.S. But that solution is for me only, the other nerd dudes are out of luck.

David Boreanaz Cheated On Jaime Bergman And I Think He Is A TURD!

This got out a few months ago, but I was looking at Jaime's Playboy issue today and it reminded how pissed off I am at him.


David Boreanaz, you should be ashamed.
Cool dudes everywhere are now cursing your name.

You're married to Jaime Bergman, and you cheated on her.
This is a travesty that should have never occurred.

She's not just super-hot, she's also super-sweet.
And she was f'n hilarious on Son Of The Beach.

Why did you mistreat such a total babe?
I can only conclude that you must be insane.

I still love Buffy and Angel, 'cause I'm a hardcore nerd.

But from here on out, you will always be a TURD!

A Sensitive Poem About A Sensitive Subject - Scarlett Johansson's Divorce.

My darling Scarlett, I'm sorry you're getting divorced.
But I know someone else who loves you - it's ME, of course!

If you were my special lady, I'd always treat you right.
I'd never leave you to cry in a lonely bed at night.

I wouldn't play any games or talk any jive.
And I love it when you host Saturday Night Live.

I know there's an age gap, I don't care that you're young.
Your hips were made for child rearin', and I'll give you some sons.

And here's some news that will make you real glad:
You can still keep acting, I'll be a stay at home dad.

You've got movie star money, so I wouldn't have to work.
I'll be a great husband and father, I would NEVER be a jerk.

So don't be upset, and don't you despair.

'Cause I'm ready to love you, and I really care.

There Is No Clever Title For This Poem - I Like Nasim Pedrad And Want To Bang Her.

That babe on SNL, Nasim Pedrad.
She's super-cute with a smokin' bod.

She's totally hot when she's Kim Kardashian.
I want to bend her over and tap that ass-ian.

I really want to go out with her.
I like it when she plays the Chinese intepreter.

She's even pretty when she plays a nerdy girl.
I want to yank off those glasses and rock her world.

I even liked it when she played a female Juggalo.
But if she were really like that, I couldn't date her, yo.*

*But I would still bang her.

A Predatory Poem About My Favorite Alien Hunter - The Predator!

I want to be a Predator and hunt people for fun.
I'd have some kick ass blades & bad ass laser guns.

I'd hide in plain sight & blast dudes into smoke.
They wouldn't see me comin', 'cause I've got a hi-tech cloak.

I'd hunt in hot climates, like a South American jungle.
If a commando team came in, I'd be ready to rumble.

I'd test their fighting ablilites & survival skills.
Those who failed my challenge, I'd be forced to kill.

If someone defeated me in combat, and I knew I was a goner.
I'd bow my head in respect, for Predators have honor.

Or maybe I'd play a trick & set my self-destruct device.
And I will make no aplogies - Predators don't have to play nice.

p.s.  GET TO DE CHOPPA!