A Poem About The Things That Make Me Cry

I'm man enough to admit that there are things that make me cry.
And just in case you're curious, I'll list some reasons why:

At the end of Terminator 2, when Arnold reached a painful truth:
"I know now why you cry, it is something I can nevah do."

Six Million Dollar Man, Season 2, the death of Jaime Sommers.
Even though she came back later, it was still a major bummer.

That episode of He-Man, where he refused to cut down Skytree.
He taught us all to respect nature, and let the trees live free.

Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, Spock died to save the ship.
I know, he wasn't really gone, but my tears don't give a shit.

The death of Deets in Lonesome Dove, and how Gus understands
that he and Woodrow should have done better, for that damn good man.

The ultimate fate of Donnie Darko, in that deleted scene.
I'm glad they cut it from the movie, because it was downright mean.

That saddest part of Highlander, when Connor buries his first wife.
The skillful use of that song* by Queen just cuts me like a knife.

Up on the roof in Blade Runner, as Batty fights through the pain
to deliver his final speech about the loss of tears in rain.

And on my scruffy cheeks did a million sad tears run,
as Captain Kirk stared into the mystery and gasped "It's been...fun."

Most of the things that make me cry are found in movies or TV.
I'd much rather be upset from those, than events in reality.

But one time I cried FOR REALS, and in tears did everything soak.
Because lightning struck my DVD player, and the damn thing broke.

*Who Wants To Live Forever?

A Romantic Poem About The First Terminator Film

The Terminator is a romantic film,
from a certain point of view.

If you do not understand,
then I will explain it to you.

The Terminator loved to kill,
that is, if robots have emotion.

But this is not the time or place
to explore that notion.

I speak instead of Kyle Reese,
that brave future soldier.

And how he traveled time and space,
just so he could hold her.

Kyle's world was dark, a living hell,
ruled by the Machines

Who sought to smash the human race
that they declared obscene.

Man's only hope was John Connor,
leader of the free.

But the Machines plotted to alter time,
so he would never be.

They planned to kill his mother, Sarah,
back in 1984.

If John wasn't born, the humans would loose
and the Machines could win the war.

So Kyle went back, to protect and fight,
with grim determination.

And save the woman that he loved
from the doom of termination.

And save her he did, he won the war,
even though he lost the fight.

But before he died, he expressed his love,
and proved it through the night.

One night was all they had together,
but it wasn't completely tragic.

Because the love they shared would save the world,
don't tell me that ain't romantic!

A Poem About Things I Would Discuss With Ms. Alison Brie If We Went On A Date

Alison is it you I love, or is it your character, Annie?

And what captivates me more, your awesome boobs or rockin' fanny?

If you saw me in a crowd, would I catch your eye?
I'd be afraid to approach you, but I'd still give it a try.

If we had a conversation, would my charms draw you closer?
Would you be impressed by my REVENGE OF THE JEDI poster?

Would you agree, if I asked you nicely, to join me for dinner?
If you did I'd be a lucky man, and finally feel like a winner.

After that, if the sky is clear, we could take a moonlit walk.
We'll stroll along beneath the stars and have an intimate talk.

I'm a real good listener, you can tell me anything.
And if things were going well, would you let me hear you sing?

Then we'll stop and gaze upon the mystery of the Moon.
And maybe discuss our future plans, or am I speaking too soon?

Life is short, so I'll be bold, and lay it on the line.
For who knows when those stars will fall and we'll be out of time?

I would never lie to you, and I would never be mean.
And I'll do all the housework, I like to cook and clean.

If you have a flat tire, I'll be there to change it.
And if you don't like the living room, then I will rearrange it.

If you need attention I will shower you with kisses.
And after we eat the meal I've cooked, I'll wash all the dishes.

I'll be there to dry your eyes if you get in a tiff.
If someone hurts you, I'll whip some ass, like when George punched out Biff.

I would never fail you, and I'll pass every test.
And I'll get up to feed the baby, because you need your beauty rest.

It wouldn't be a mistake, if you decided to date me.
And in time, if I do things right, maybe you'll appreciate me.

That's really all I want, I'm just looking for a chance.
I've got some pretty good moves, but I never get asked to dance.

I'm not just writing clever rhymes, I mean what I say.
I'm good man, and I'm worth a shot, and I'll prove it every day.

I'm Writing You A Night Poem To Tell You How I Feel...

(A Poem Inspired By DRIVE)

I want to be a stone-cold dude,
that's right, just like The Driver.

I wouldn't flinch, I wouldn't hurt,
and I'd never be a cryer.

The Driver was a good guy,
even though he worked for crooks.

But he wouldn't hesitate to stab their asses,
just ask Albert Brooks.

I'd drive real fast and drive real good,
for the highest paying racket.

And I'd keep myself alone and armored
in a bad ass Scorpion Jacket.

Sometime's I'd have someone to love
and allow myself to feel.

But I wouldn't let it last too long,
because I know that love ain't real.

I'll never be stopped and never be killed,
I always will survive.

Because you can't kill a man
who's not really alive.

After it's over, I'll start my car
and zip my armor up tight.

Then DRIVE into the mystery,
a shadow in the night.

A Poetic Defense Of Mr. Nicolas Cage

Nicolas Cage is in a class by himself.
He's the only mega-actor, there is no one else!

Mega-acting calls for something much more.
Cage doesn't knock, he SMASHES through doors.

He doesn't just chew, he DEVOURS scenery.
A calculated move on his part, I believe.

His bizarre performances are so bad they're good.
But people don't dig him, so he's misunderstood.

Right now he's been down, and he's had some bad luck.
But one day he'll prevail, and tell the haters to shut up.

Some fans have forsaken him, but I'm never gonna.
Now I'm gonna go watch Raising Arizona.

Beat The Flush!

Sometimes when I'm in a rush,
I like to play beat the flush.

I hit the handle before I go,
and see if I outrace the flow.

Sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.

But a few hours later, I'll try again!

Dear George Lucas...

Dear George Lucas,

I'm writing you this poem.

To ask you very nicely to

leave Star Wars alone.

Don't you understand we fans

just want to love you?

But when you rape our childhoods

all we want to do is shove you.

When you change these films

you're committing cinematic murder.

Every time they come back out

we pray you haven't altered them further.

You think you're making them better,

but you're just making them worse.

Vader shouldn't scream NOOO!

and Han should always shoot first!

I know you own these films

and you can do just as you please.

Like re-release them endlessly

to feed your Empire's greed.

But you could make a ton of money

if you restored the original versions.

And silence the cries and screams of all

the geeks and nerds and virgins.

I'll ask you one more time,

before I have to go.

Don't make a Special Ed. Vader

who likes to scream out NO!

Dark Rhymes For Dark Times

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

 

How many times must I hear it said

before I accept the truth?

That I am just not good enough

and there's nothing I can do.

I first heard it back in high school

and it devastated me then.

Because deep down, somehow I knew,

that I'd hear it again and again.

I've heard it said so many times

that by now I have lost count

I wish I could change and make myself matter,

but I just don't know how.

I really don't want to change,

I'm happy with how I am.

But how I am ain't workin'

so I need a change of plan.

I've tried to change my looks

and change my way of thinking.

I try to keep my head above water,

but still I feel I'm sinking.

You can say I'm being foolish,

that I've just got the blues.

But you'd be sayin' different

if you walked a mile in my shoes.

Cause it's like an itch you just can't scratch,

and a feelin' you just can't shake.

And it's getting' to the point

where it's more than I can take.

But I've no desire to end it all,

I doubt even Death would have me.

So I'll just keep on livin' and

hopin' that someone will understand me.

IT'S NOT HARD

 

It's hard to be unwanted

and it's hard to be unloved.

It's hard to get back up

when all you get from life is shoved.

It's hard to lose your heart

to someone who doesn't give a shit.

It's hard to try and love again

and not give in and quit.

It's hard to see your childhood friends,

grown-up and happily married.

It's hard not to feel you've failed

and that your life is buried.

It's hard not to sit and sulk

and wallow in you hate.

It's hard not to curse the “gods”

who consigned you to this fate.

It's hard not to be cut and wounded

when others ignore your words.

It's hard not to feel

that life is a toilet filled with turds.

But it's not hard for me

to see through the pain and darkness.

I have dreams and drive and power,

that I've yet to harness.

It's not hard for me

to clear my head and realize.

That it's better to say I've failed

than to have never even tried.

It's not hard for me

to reconcile my hurt and cope.

Cause I'm still alive and kickin'

and where there's life, there's hope.

50 Short Poems About 50 Hot-Ass Babes!

WARNING!  These poems are for DUDES ONLY!  They should NOT be read by any Ladies.  If you are a Lady, and you want to read them, then you should only do so if you have a good sense of humor.  I'm serious, these poems are R-Rated.  Don't let your kids read them, either, even if your kids are little dudes!

Sienna Miller
I want to fill her

Amber Heard
likes it freaky I've heard

Erica Durance
I wanna get in her pants

Sarah Michelle Gellar
I want to gel her

Rashida Jones
come jump on my bones

Mandy Moore
lets get on the floor

Kate Beckinsale
I want to wreck that tail

Liv Tyler
there's nothin' finer

Mary Elizabeth Winstead
I want to get in bed

Ellen Page
gives me boner rage

Maggie Gyllenhaal
I want to drill and ball

Emma Stone
please come to my home

Selma Blair
I wanna get in there

Marina Sirtis
I'd like to service

Karen Gillan
I'll give ya a drillin'

Mila Kunis
I wanna lick that poonis

Scarlett Johannsson
let's do some horizontal dancin'

Jenna Malone
yes I wanna bone

Tina Fey
you know I wanna lay

Natalie Portman
yep, I wanna pork, man

Kristen Kreuk
yep, I wanna fuck

Hilary Swank
I have something you can yank

Annabeth Gish
I'll eat you on a dish

Kelly Preston
I want to caress them

Kirsten Dunst
we'll do it more than once

Maria Bello
I want to be your fellow

Julie Benz
we'll do it again and againz

Kelly Ripa
I want to get a grip-a

Hilary Duff
you can ride me rough

Natalie Zea
in her I want to be-a

That Red-Headed Lady from the B-52s
I'll time travel to the 80s so we can screw

Winona Ryder
I want to ride her

Kristen Wiig
makes my wiener do a jig

Halle Berry
I would bang but not marry

Jennifer Connelly
come get on top of me

Alyssa Milano
I wanna get to know

Abbie Cornish
is makin' me hornish

Freema Agyeman
let's sign a sex agreement

Lauren Graham
I wanna be your man

Katy Mixon
is one hot vixen

Summer Glau
makes my wiener go ka-pow!

Megan Fox
I wanna bang her lots

Christina Applegate
= time to masturbate

Amy Poehler
I want to pole her

Lynda Carter
is makin' me harder

Jenna Fischer
I want to get in her

Sigourney Weaver
something…something…beaver

Jessica Biel
I wanna give 'em a feel

Elizabeth Banks
has inspired many wanks

Alison Brie
please marry me

A Two-Fisted, Time-Travelin', Ass-Beatin' Poem In Which I Avenge Ms. Bettie Page.

Bettie Page had a shitty life and ran into a lot of bastards.  But it's nothing I couldn't fix with my hands...and a time travel machine.


If I could time travel,
I'd go help Bettie Page.

Her life was sad and tragic,
and that fills me with rage.

Her father was a monster,
a piece of redneck trash.

For putting his filthy hands on her,
I plan to beat his ass.

And the men who attacked her in New York
and left her violated.

Will be introduced to my Rambo Knife,
which will leave them mutilated.

And all the others who did her wrong
and frayed her sanity.

Had best review their choices,
or else answer to me.

Bettie wasn't just pretty,
she was sweet and kind and smart.

And I curse this cold and hurtful world
for breaking her poor heart.

The things she suffered and pain she felt
to me are a great crime.

And I would undo all that hurt,
If I could travel time.

This Poem Has No Title.

I just don't know what's wrong with me, or why I always fail.
If they imprisoned men for losing, then I would be in jail.

There was a time when I was a winner, and people thought I ruled.
Like that time in 3rd Grade when I sang Ghostbusters in school.

I reached my peak a long time ago, when I was too young.
I thought I had more songs to sing, but I guess they've all been sung.

I almost won recently, but then I went and blew it.
I was on top again for about a month, but it was over before I knew it.

I thought that I was doing well, that I could make it work.
But my Angels lost and my Demons won, now all I have is hurt.

I have things to keep me distracted, like some kick ass Star Wars stuff.
But they can't plug that hole in my soul, so it's just not enough.

I sometimes feel trapped and lost in my worlds of fantasy.
Because I want something more, and I yearn to be free.

But reality offers no rewards, only truth and pain.
It might be better to stay lost, if it means keeping sane.

I used to shine so brightly, when I was known for laughter and song.
But the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

How fragile is that flame that burns to light each passing day?
I feel mine flickering in the night, and I fear it will go away.

A Manly Poem About A Manly Man - Ron F**king Swanson!!!

Here is a man we must respect, the great Ron Swanson.
The manliest man to walk this Earth since the late Charles Bronson.

He'll fight government bureaucracy, and kick it's lame ass.

With his ice cold eyes and bad ass mustache.

If the State tries to make changes, he will always resist them.
While searching for new forms of Meat Delivery Systems.

Men should follow his diet of steak, pancakes and bacon.
And reclaim the manly power that many have forsaken.

If someone needs an ass whooping, he's ready to deliver.
But he also has a softer side, when he plays sax as Duke Silver.

If you follow his teachings, it will improve your life.

But don't you ever cross him, or he will have your wife.

A Great Poem About A Great Actor: Mr. Bill Murray.

I don't have much time, I'm in a hurray.
So here's a few words about Mr. Bill Murray.

I first saw SNL when I was only 2.
He was making people laugh, and that's what I wanted to do.

The next time I saw him was in Caddyshack.
My little stomach got upset from the laughter attack.

Stripes is also great, one of his signature roles.
I also like that movie 'cause I want to bang P.J. Soles.

When Ghostbusters hit, then he totally ruled.
I performed the theme song in a talent show at school.

I'm just being honest, I'm not being rude.
But I really didn't get too much out of Scrooged.

I didn't see him much after that, with one exception.
That was Ghostbusters II, which was pretty good, upon reflection.

It changed my life when I finally saw Rushmore.
I saw and ACTOR, not a comedian, with new worlds to explore.

Then I sat down and watched Groundhog Day.
His existential conundrum really blew me away.

He should have got an Oscar when he played Steve Zissou.
If you don't like Life Aquatic, then hey, dude, fuck you!

He has a style of comedy that I can understand.
And I always love it when he appears on David Letterman.

Now I must split, and if you wonder what I'm thinkin'.

Ghostbusters is on AMC, and I never miss Peter Venkman!!!

A Poem Simply Entitled...BETRAYAL.

To show no regard for the feelings of another.
To spit in the face of a man you called "brother."
This is an act of Betrayal.

To think only of yourself and what you need.
To not care if your actions make another man bleed.
This is an act of Inhumanity.

To avoid someone and not look them in the eye.

To offer no apology and to not even try.

This is an act of Cowardice.

To spew empty words and offer false sincerity.
To pose and pretend with no sense of clarity.
These are the actions of a Liar.


People like this can't connect and relate.
It strikes me as sad, so I can't really hate.
'Cause that's just part of who I am.

People like this will just end up alone.
No family, no friends, and no place to call home.
A complete lack of empathy that I can't understand.

I would even forgive him, if he apologized.
Life is too short to let disharmony thrive.
I'd look him in the eye and offer my hand.

It's easy to be mean and act petty and small.
It takes courage to be kind, and I have to stand tall.
And those are the actions of a Man.

A Poem That Celebrates The Badassness Of My Missile Firing Boba Fett Figure

See him flyin' through the sky.
Know now that you're gonna die.
No time left to wonder why.
No time left to beg and cry.

See him there flyin' higher.
Never slows, never tires.
Agent of the Galactic Empire.
Last thing you see 'fore you expire.

See him now flyin' faster.

Dealin' death with his blaster.

Bounty huntin' & killin' master.
All your dreams end in disaster.

He's Missile Firin' Boba Fett!
So bad ass you can't forget!
Cross his path, you will regret!

MISSLE FIRIN' BOBA FETT!!!!!!

A Brutally Honest Poem That Reveals A Sad Truth

This poem was written under the influence of  Billy Joel's Glass Houses...

I almost married a girl who looked like Kim Basinger.
Over ten years later, my pain still lingers.

I'm like any other dude, I want a hot chick.
But I don't want a crazy girl who'll make my heart sick.

And that's what she did, she just messed with my head.
She hurt me 'til the point that I wished I was dead.

But the worst part was, she broke me forever.
Will I ever be right again? Probably never.

It can ruin your life, having a girl that's hot.
It sets a high standard, and you can't be with one who's not.

I know that's a shallow statement, but for me it's true.
I can't score another one, so I don't know what to do.

I saw her just recently, and she still looked good.
If I said I wanted her back, I think that she would.

Many would say, “You're crazy, what would you do that for?”
The answer is real simple: “I don't want to be alone anymore.”

I can't take it no more, and I know this sounds real sad.
But nobody else will have me, so what choice do I have?

A Doggone Poem About My Dog, Cooter Junior

I had a dog named Cooter,
but he passed away.

I wasn't sad for long,
because his son appeared one day.

Junior might not be his son,
he might be Cooter reincarnated.

Either way this little dog
needs to be decaffeinated.

He's wild & crazy, running around,
begging for attention.

He'll leave home and not come back,
so I keep him in detention.

He likes to sleep on rocks,
and he's always acting loopy.

Sometimes he'll sleep on top of his house,
that's right, just like Snoopy.

He likes to tear stuff up,
he's always up to no good.

He'll sit and stare for hours
at the mystery in my woods.

He's always acting rude & crude,
and he has no class.

I love the little monky,
even though he's a pain in the ass.

Just in case you're wondering,
I'll go ahead and answer.

Both dogs were named for the mechanic
that helped the Dukes Of Hazzard.

A Poem That Spans Time And Space (and ends with me marrying one of the hottest chicks ever!)

There are many things I would do,
if I could travel time and space.

Like stop that piece of trash
from cutting Tina Fey's young face.

I'd hunt down Townes Van Zandt
and say lay off the drugs and drink.

Then go tell George Lucas to
reconsider Jar-Jar Binks.

I'd get on Buddy Holly's bus
and try to fix that heater.

And then suggest to Pee Wee Herman
to stay out of that theater.

I'd warn Roky Erickson to
never plead insanity.

And do my best to get Sam Raimi
to cancel Spider-Man 3.

I'd deliver a cancer warning
to guitar god Mick Ronson.

Then convince The Academy to
give an Oscar to Charles Bronson.

Of course I'd do my damnedest to
prevent the 9/11 attack.

Then head back to the 1950s
to marry Kim Novak.

That last part isn't selfish,
it's deserved, you see.

I should be rewarded for

performing those good deeds.

Heaven Beckons The MACHO MAN!!!

He was a giant among men,
a Lord Of The Ring.

When it came to wrestling,
he was one of the Kings.

Most dudes would cut promos
that were totally “BLEHHH!”

But he demanded attention
when he said “OOH YEAHH!”

To list his achievements
would take many hours.

Like when he teamed with Hulk Hogan
to form the Mega Powers.

A master of his craft,
he'd earned the right to gloat.

He had the best match EVER
when he fought Ricky Steamboat.

There's not much I'm sure of,
but one thing I do know.

You would NOT want to receive
his flying elbow.

His impact on history
will always be felt.

There was NO greater champion
of the Intercontinental Belt.

If the holy men are right,
and there is a Great Plan.

Then it was HEAVEN
that beckoned the Macho Man!

Debate In Poetry Form: Han Solo vs. Malcolm Reynolds

I'm about to begin a dangerous debate.
About who's the King of Bad Ass, and who ultimately ain't.

From Star Wars, Captain Han Solo, of the Millennium Falcon.
From Firefly, Captain Reynolds, whose first name is Malcolm.

Both have kick ass guns, both are really funny.
Both are good at fightin' and mackin' on space honeys.

Han Solo fought The Empire, and gave 'em lots of Hell.
But Mal fought Space Yankees, with a proud Rebel Yell.

Han's only crew was Chewbacca, and that's not a lot.
Mal had 4 dudes + 4 chicks, and all them chicks were hot.

Serenity was old and creaky, salvaged from a wreck.
The Falcon made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Mal had some cool threads, including his Browncoat.
But nothing is fucking cooler than Han's ESB blue coat.

Mal beat The Alliance by making The 'Verse aware.
Han defeated The Empire with help from goddamn Care Bears.

Ewoks?  Really?  In disgust I hand my head.
Ewoks are a dealbreaker, and with that I say, 'Nuff Said!

Winner: Malcolm Reynolds.