Beat The Flush!

Sometimes when I'm in a rush,
I like to play beat the flush.

I hit the handle before I go,
and see if I outrace the flow.

Sometimes I lose, sometimes I win.

But a few hours later, I'll try again!

Dear George Lucas...

Dear George Lucas,

I'm writing you this poem.

To ask you very nicely to

leave Star Wars alone.

Don't you understand we fans

just want to love you?

But when you rape our childhoods

all we want to do is shove you.

When you change these films

you're committing cinematic murder.

Every time they come back out

we pray you haven't altered them further.

You think you're making them better,

but you're just making them worse.

Vader shouldn't scream NOOO!

and Han should always shoot first!

I know you own these films

and you can do just as you please.

Like re-release them endlessly

to feed your Empire's greed.

But you could make a ton of money

if you restored the original versions.

And silence the cries and screams of all

the geeks and nerds and virgins.

I'll ask you one more time,

before I have to go.

Don't make a Special Ed. Vader

who likes to scream out NO!

Dark Rhymes For Dark Times

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

 

How many times must I hear it said

before I accept the truth?

That I am just not good enough

and there's nothing I can do.

I first heard it back in high school

and it devastated me then.

Because deep down, somehow I knew,

that I'd hear it again and again.

I've heard it said so many times

that by now I have lost count

I wish I could change and make myself matter,

but I just don't know how.

I really don't want to change,

I'm happy with how I am.

But how I am ain't workin'

so I need a change of plan.

I've tried to change my looks

and change my way of thinking.

I try to keep my head above water,

but still I feel I'm sinking.

You can say I'm being foolish,

that I've just got the blues.

But you'd be sayin' different

if you walked a mile in my shoes.

Cause it's like an itch you just can't scratch,

and a feelin' you just can't shake.

And it's getting' to the point

where it's more than I can take.

But I've no desire to end it all,

I doubt even Death would have me.

So I'll just keep on livin' and

hopin' that someone will understand me.

IT'S NOT HARD

 

It's hard to be unwanted

and it's hard to be unloved.

It's hard to get back up

when all you get from life is shoved.

It's hard to lose your heart

to someone who doesn't give a shit.

It's hard to try and love again

and not give in and quit.

It's hard to see your childhood friends,

grown-up and happily married.

It's hard not to feel you've failed

and that your life is buried.

It's hard not to sit and sulk

and wallow in you hate.

It's hard not to curse the “gods”

who consigned you to this fate.

It's hard not to be cut and wounded

when others ignore your words.

It's hard not to feel

that life is a toilet filled with turds.

But it's not hard for me

to see through the pain and darkness.

I have dreams and drive and power,

that I've yet to harness.

It's not hard for me

to clear my head and realize.

That it's better to say I've failed

than to have never even tried.

It's not hard for me

to reconcile my hurt and cope.

Cause I'm still alive and kickin'

and where there's life, there's hope.

50 Short Poems About 50 Hot-Ass Babes!

WARNING!  These poems are for DUDES ONLY!  They should NOT be read by any Ladies.  If you are a Lady, and you want to read them, then you should only do so if you have a good sense of humor.  I'm serious, these poems are R-Rated.  Don't let your kids read them, either, even if your kids are little dudes!

Sienna Miller
I want to fill her

Amber Heard
likes it freaky I've heard

Erica Durance
I wanna get in her pants

Sarah Michelle Gellar
I want to gel her

Rashida Jones
come jump on my bones

Mandy Moore
lets get on the floor

Kate Beckinsale
I want to wreck that tail

Liv Tyler
there's nothin' finer

Mary Elizabeth Winstead
I want to get in bed

Ellen Page
gives me boner rage

Maggie Gyllenhaal
I want to drill and ball

Emma Stone
please come to my home

Selma Blair
I wanna get in there

Marina Sirtis
I'd like to service

Karen Gillan
I'll give ya a drillin'

Mila Kunis
I wanna lick that poonis

Scarlett Johannsson
let's do some horizontal dancin'

Jenna Malone
yes I wanna bone

Tina Fey
you know I wanna lay

Natalie Portman
yep, I wanna pork, man

Kristen Kreuk
yep, I wanna fuck

Hilary Swank
I have something you can yank

Annabeth Gish
I'll eat you on a dish

Kelly Preston
I want to caress them

Kirsten Dunst
we'll do it more than once

Maria Bello
I want to be your fellow

Julie Benz
we'll do it again and againz

Kelly Ripa
I want to get a grip-a

Hilary Duff
you can ride me rough

Natalie Zea
in her I want to be-a

That Red-Headed Lady from the B-52s
I'll time travel to the 80s so we can screw

Winona Ryder
I want to ride her

Kristen Wiig
makes my wiener do a jig

Halle Berry
I would bang but not marry

Jennifer Connelly
come get on top of me

Alyssa Milano
I wanna get to know

Abbie Cornish
is makin' me hornish

Freema Agyeman
let's sign a sex agreement

Lauren Graham
I wanna be your man

Katy Mixon
is one hot vixen

Summer Glau
makes my wiener go ka-pow!

Megan Fox
I wanna bang her lots

Christina Applegate
= time to masturbate

Amy Poehler
I want to pole her

Lynda Carter
is makin' me harder

Jenna Fischer
I want to get in her

Sigourney Weaver
something…something…beaver

Jessica Biel
I wanna give 'em a feel

Elizabeth Banks
has inspired many wanks

Alison Brie
please marry me

A Two-Fisted, Time-Travelin', Ass-Beatin' Poem In Which I Avenge Ms. Bettie Page.

Bettie Page had a shitty life and ran into a lot of bastards.  But it's nothing I couldn't fix with my hands...and a time travel machine.


If I could time travel,
I'd go help Bettie Page.

Her life was sad and tragic,
and that fills me with rage.

Her father was a monster,
a piece of redneck trash.

For putting his filthy hands on her,
I plan to beat his ass.

And the men who attacked her in New York
and left her violated.

Will be introduced to my Rambo Knife,
which will leave them mutilated.

And all the others who did her wrong
and frayed her sanity.

Had best review their choices,
or else answer to me.

Bettie wasn't just pretty,
she was sweet and kind and smart.

And I curse this cold and hurtful world
for breaking her poor heart.

The things she suffered and pain she felt
to me are a great crime.

And I would undo all that hurt,
If I could travel time.

This Poem Has No Title.

I just don't know what's wrong with me, or why I always fail.
If they imprisoned men for losing, then I would be in jail.

There was a time when I was a winner, and people thought I ruled.
Like that time in 3rd Grade when I sang Ghostbusters in school.

I reached my peak a long time ago, when I was too young.
I thought I had more songs to sing, but I guess they've all been sung.

I almost won recently, but then I went and blew it.
I was on top again for about a month, but it was over before I knew it.

I thought that I was doing well, that I could make it work.
But my Angels lost and my Demons won, now all I have is hurt.

I have things to keep me distracted, like some kick ass Star Wars stuff.
But they can't plug that hole in my soul, so it's just not enough.

I sometimes feel trapped and lost in my worlds of fantasy.
Because I want something more, and I yearn to be free.

But reality offers no rewards, only truth and pain.
It might be better to stay lost, if it means keeping sane.

I used to shine so brightly, when I was known for laughter and song.
But the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

How fragile is that flame that burns to light each passing day?
I feel mine flickering in the night, and I fear it will go away.

A Manly Poem About A Manly Man - Ron F**king Swanson!!!

Here is a man we must respect, the great Ron Swanson.
The manliest man to walk this Earth since the late Charles Bronson.

He'll fight government bureaucracy, and kick it's lame ass.

With his ice cold eyes and bad ass mustache.

If the State tries to make changes, he will always resist them.
While searching for new forms of Meat Delivery Systems.

Men should follow his diet of steak, pancakes and bacon.
And reclaim the manly power that many have forsaken.

If someone needs an ass whooping, he's ready to deliver.
But he also has a softer side, when he plays sax as Duke Silver.

If you follow his teachings, it will improve your life.

But don't you ever cross him, or he will have your wife.

A Great Poem About A Great Actor: Mr. Bill Murray.

I don't have much time, I'm in a hurray.
So here's a few words about Mr. Bill Murray.

I first saw SNL when I was only 2.
He was making people laugh, and that's what I wanted to do.

The next time I saw him was in Caddyshack.
My little stomach got upset from the laughter attack.

Stripes is also great, one of his signature roles.
I also like that movie 'cause I want to bang P.J. Soles.

When Ghostbusters hit, then he totally ruled.
I performed the theme song in a talent show at school.

I'm just being honest, I'm not being rude.
But I really didn't get too much out of Scrooged.

I didn't see him much after that, with one exception.
That was Ghostbusters II, which was pretty good, upon reflection.

It changed my life when I finally saw Rushmore.
I saw and ACTOR, not a comedian, with new worlds to explore.

Then I sat down and watched Groundhog Day.
His existential conundrum really blew me away.

He should have got an Oscar when he played Steve Zissou.
If you don't like Life Aquatic, then hey, dude, fuck you!

He has a style of comedy that I can understand.
And I always love it when he appears on David Letterman.

Now I must split, and if you wonder what I'm thinkin'.

Ghostbusters is on AMC, and I never miss Peter Venkman!!!

A Poem Simply Entitled...BETRAYAL.

To show no regard for the feelings of another.
To spit in the face of a man you called "brother."
This is an act of Betrayal.

To think only of yourself and what you need.
To not care if your actions make another man bleed.
This is an act of Inhumanity.

To avoid someone and not look them in the eye.

To offer no apology and to not even try.

This is an act of Cowardice.

To spew empty words and offer false sincerity.
To pose and pretend with no sense of clarity.
These are the actions of a Liar.


People like this can't connect and relate.
It strikes me as sad, so I can't really hate.
'Cause that's just part of who I am.

People like this will just end up alone.
No family, no friends, and no place to call home.
A complete lack of empathy that I can't understand.

I would even forgive him, if he apologized.
Life is too short to let disharmony thrive.
I'd look him in the eye and offer my hand.

It's easy to be mean and act petty and small.
It takes courage to be kind, and I have to stand tall.
And those are the actions of a Man.

A Poem That Celebrates The Badassness Of My Missile Firing Boba Fett Figure

See him flyin' through the sky.
Know now that you're gonna die.
No time left to wonder why.
No time left to beg and cry.

See him there flyin' higher.
Never slows, never tires.
Agent of the Galactic Empire.
Last thing you see 'fore you expire.

See him now flyin' faster.

Dealin' death with his blaster.

Bounty huntin' & killin' master.
All your dreams end in disaster.

He's Missile Firin' Boba Fett!
So bad ass you can't forget!
Cross his path, you will regret!

MISSLE FIRIN' BOBA FETT!!!!!!

A Brutally Honest Poem That Reveals A Sad Truth

This poem was written under the influence of  Billy Joel's Glass Houses...

I almost married a girl who looked like Kim Basinger.
Over ten years later, my pain still lingers.

I'm like any other dude, I want a hot chick.
But I don't want a crazy girl who'll make my heart sick.

And that's what she did, she just messed with my head.
She hurt me 'til the point that I wished I was dead.

But the worst part was, she broke me forever.
Will I ever be right again? Probably never.

It can ruin your life, having a girl that's hot.
It sets a high standard, and you can't be with one who's not.

I know that's a shallow statement, but for me it's true.
I can't score another one, so I don't know what to do.

I saw her just recently, and she still looked good.
If I said I wanted her back, I think that she would.

Many would say, “You're crazy, what would you do that for?”
The answer is real simple: “I don't want to be alone anymore.”

I can't take it no more, and I know this sounds real sad.
But nobody else will have me, so what choice do I have?

A Doggone Poem About My Dog, Cooter Junior

I had a dog named Cooter,
but he passed away.

I wasn't sad for long,
because his son appeared one day.

Junior might not be his son,
he might be Cooter reincarnated.

Either way this little dog
needs to be decaffeinated.

He's wild & crazy, running around,
begging for attention.

He'll leave home and not come back,
so I keep him in detention.

He likes to sleep on rocks,
and he's always acting loopy.

Sometimes he'll sleep on top of his house,
that's right, just like Snoopy.

He likes to tear stuff up,
he's always up to no good.

He'll sit and stare for hours
at the mystery in my woods.

He's always acting rude & crude,
and he has no class.

I love the little monky,
even though he's a pain in the ass.

Just in case you're wondering,
I'll go ahead and answer.

Both dogs were named for the mechanic
that helped the Dukes Of Hazzard.

A Poem That Spans Time And Space (and ends with me marrying one of the hottest chicks ever!)

There are many things I would do,
if I could travel time and space.

Like stop that piece of trash
from cutting Tina Fey's young face.

I'd hunt down Townes Van Zandt
and say lay off the drugs and drink.

Then go tell George Lucas to
reconsider Jar-Jar Binks.

I'd get on Buddy Holly's bus
and try to fix that heater.

And then suggest to Pee Wee Herman
to stay out of that theater.

I'd warn Roky Erickson to
never plead insanity.

And do my best to get Sam Raimi
to cancel Spider-Man 3.

I'd deliver a cancer warning
to guitar god Mick Ronson.

Then convince The Academy to
give an Oscar to Charles Bronson.

Of course I'd do my damnedest to
prevent the 9/11 attack.

Then head back to the 1950s
to marry Kim Novak.

That last part isn't selfish,
it's deserved, you see.

I should be rewarded for

performing those good deeds.

Heaven Beckons The MACHO MAN!!!

He was a giant among men,
a Lord Of The Ring.

When it came to wrestling,
he was one of the Kings.

Most dudes would cut promos
that were totally “BLEHHH!”

But he demanded attention
when he said “OOH YEAHH!”

To list his achievements
would take many hours.

Like when he teamed with Hulk Hogan
to form the Mega Powers.

A master of his craft,
he'd earned the right to gloat.

He had the best match EVER
when he fought Ricky Steamboat.

There's not much I'm sure of,
but one thing I do know.

You would NOT want to receive
his flying elbow.

His impact on history
will always be felt.

There was NO greater champion
of the Intercontinental Belt.

If the holy men are right,
and there is a Great Plan.

Then it was HEAVEN
that beckoned the Macho Man!

Debate In Poetry Form: Han Solo vs. Malcolm Reynolds

I'm about to begin a dangerous debate.
About who's the King of Bad Ass, and who ultimately ain't.

From Star Wars, Captain Han Solo, of the Millennium Falcon.
From Firefly, Captain Reynolds, whose first name is Malcolm.

Both have kick ass guns, both are really funny.
Both are good at fightin' and mackin' on space honeys.

Han Solo fought The Empire, and gave 'em lots of Hell.
But Mal fought Space Yankees, with a proud Rebel Yell.

Han's only crew was Chewbacca, and that's not a lot.
Mal had 4 dudes + 4 chicks, and all them chicks were hot.

Serenity was old and creaky, salvaged from a wreck.
The Falcon made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Mal had some cool threads, including his Browncoat.
But nothing is fucking cooler than Han's ESB blue coat.

Mal beat The Alliance by making The 'Verse aware.
Han defeated The Empire with help from goddamn Care Bears.

Ewoks?  Really?  In disgust I hand my head.
Ewoks are a dealbreaker, and with that I say, 'Nuff Said!

Winner: Malcolm Reynolds.

Question: What Would Happen If I Wrote An Easter Poem? Answer: The Easter Bunny Meets Robocop.

Here is a tale of The Easter Bunny.
But it's wrought with vengeance and it ain't funny.

He was skipping along without any bother.
When he ran into a man named Clarence Boddicker.

He was an Old Detroit crimelord who fought Robocop.
But now he's turned his attention to things that hop.

He pulled out his guns and said "Gimme some eggs!"

And the Easter Bunny cried and started to beg.

But Clarence didn't care 'cause he's a mean piece of shit.

He opened fire point blank and The Bunny got hit.

His legs got blown off and he screamed in pain.

And then Clarence Boddicker put a bullet through his brain.

Clarence laughed real hard and went about his way.

As far as he was concerned, he'd killed Easter that day.

The Easter Bunny lay dying, but hope was not lost.

For suddenly there appeared a real hero - Robocop!

Robo picked up The Bunny and said "This won't do!"
"I'll take you to OCP, where they'll fix you!"

They went to OCP and The Bunny got fixed.

With a cyborg bunny body and big guns that were sick!

With his new legs he could hop really high.

And he could shoot lasers from his new robot eyes.

So Robo and E.B. hit the mean streets.
To serve the public trust with lots of scum to defeat.

They found Clarence Boddicker hangin' out with some hos.
They were havin' a coke party and snortin' mountains of blow.

Clarence saw the cyborgs and he couldn't believe.

So he pulled out some guns and yelled "Bitches, leave!"

But Robo and E.B. were faster on the draw.
Clarence was shot to shit like you ain't never saw.

E.B. had his vengeance and Easter was saved.
Thank God cybernetics can let you rise from the grave.

An Angrily Aquatic Poem About Aquaman!

Aquaman is cool, I don't care what people say.

He is bad ass and rad, NOT stupid and gay!

He can breath underwater, he's not a prisoner of land.

I wish I had an army of fish to command.

He's got a Kingdom in Atlantis, and I want that life.

With telepathic powers and a hot red-headed wife.

Yes, I said Atlantis, I did not say Atlanta.

And he's the only hero around who can stop Black Manta.

If you don't dig him, there's just one thing you can do.

Hear this decree from the King of the Sea: “Surface dwellers, FUCK YOU!”

A Poem About A Man I Saw Sitting On A Bucket, Eating Church's Chicken.

Old man sitting by the road on a bucket.
Yelling at the world and telling it to suck it.

Homeless and nameless and crazyness stricken.
His only joy in the world is eating Church's Chicken.

In some ways he's better off than both you and me.
His only concern is that bucket, and in that regard, he is free.

A True Poem About How I Almost Dated A Stripper (NOTE: contains two Star Wars references!)

I almost made a fatal mistake
and went out with a stripper.

She tried to slice into my mind,
like a mental Jack The Ripper.

She had studied some psychology,
but I didn't realize

That she used her skills for evil,
not just to psychoanalyze.

I called her on the phone
and we spoke for many hours.

She tried to seduce my senses,
with her psycho powers.

She told me of her life,
and started to gain my trust.

But when I shared with her,
the plan went into thrust.

Once she had some dirt on me
she tried to launch an attack.

But she didn't know I'm like The Empire,
I know how to STRIKE BACK!

You see, I minored in psychology,
when I was in college.

I'm also like The Jedi,
I use my mind for defense and knowledge.

She thought cause she was cunning and hot
that she could always get her way.

But when she met me,
she met a man who wouldn't play.

She tried to dominate me,
but instead she earned my wrath.

I avoided her evil scheme
and told her to kiss my ass.

I successfully cut all ties,
and she cannot track me down.

Luckily for me,
I'm good at never being found.

I don't care if she was really smart
and also really pretty.

A toilet can be made of gold
but that don't mean it ain't shitty.

KICK ASS POETRY SHOWCASE: SLAM BAM PAM

This one was sent in by one of my many fans, The Intruder, who is the only man in the world who opposes the marriage of Jim and Pam on The Office!

Slam Bam Pam

You are an angel in The Office
Pam, to me you look so fine
I would bitch slap Jim, I promise
then I'd show you a real good time.

Sexy as hell when you send a fax
or take a message from David Wallace
Just make sure to shave or wax
and I'll finish you with a nice polish.

I really can't believe you married him.
Seriously speaking, go f--k yourself Jim!