NOOOO! Natalie Portman Is Knocked Up AND Getting Married!? NOOOOOO!

Natalie Portman is pregnant and engaged.
Nerdmen everywhere are now crying with rage.

When the news hit it dropped like a bomb.
And crushed all dreams of hooking up with Leia's mom.

She's an object of worship for many nerd dudes.
Getting knocked up and hitched is just plain rude.

Doesn't she know that she's breaking our hearts?
Doesn't she care that she's tearing us apart?

Who can we turn to and who can we trust?
Who will be the new Queen Of Nerd Lust?

But I have a solution, so I'm not too sad.
Alison Brie is still single, and for that I am glad.

P.S. But that solution is for me only, the other nerd dudes are out of luck.

David Boreanaz Cheated On Jaime Bergman And I Think He Is A TURD!

This got out a few months ago, but I was looking at Jaime's Playboy issue today and it reminded how pissed off I am at him.


David Boreanaz, you should be ashamed.
Cool dudes everywhere are now cursing your name.

You're married to Jaime Bergman, and you cheated on her.
This is a travesty that should have never occurred.

She's not just super-hot, she's also super-sweet.
And she was f'n hilarious on Son Of The Beach.

Why did you mistreat such a total babe?
I can only conclude that you must be insane.

I still love Buffy and Angel, 'cause I'm a hardcore nerd.

But from here on out, you will always be a TURD!

A Sensitive Poem About A Sensitive Subject - Scarlett Johansson's Divorce.

My darling Scarlett, I'm sorry you're getting divorced.
But I know someone else who loves you - it's ME, of course!

If you were my special lady, I'd always treat you right.
I'd never leave you to cry in a lonely bed at night.

I wouldn't play any games or talk any jive.
And I love it when you host Saturday Night Live.

I know there's an age gap, I don't care that you're young.
Your hips were made for child rearin', and I'll give you some sons.

And here's some news that will make you real glad:
You can still keep acting, I'll be a stay at home dad.

You've got movie star money, so I wouldn't have to work.
I'll be a great husband and father, I would NEVER be a jerk.

So don't be upset, and don't you despair.

'Cause I'm ready to love you, and I really care.

There Is No Clever Title For This Poem - I Like Nasim Pedrad And Want To Bang Her.

That babe on SNL, Nasim Pedrad.
She's super-cute with a smokin' bod.

She's totally hot when she's Kim Kardashian.
I want to bend her over and tap that ass-ian.

I really want to go out with her.
I like it when she plays the Chinese intepreter.

She's even pretty when she plays a nerdy girl.
I want to yank off those glasses and rock her world.

I even liked it when she played a female Juggalo.
But if she were really like that, I couldn't date her, yo.*

*But I would still bang her.

A Predatory Poem About My Favorite Alien Hunter - The Predator!

I want to be a Predator and hunt people for fun.
I'd have some kick ass blades & bad ass laser guns.

I'd hide in plain sight & blast dudes into smoke.
They wouldn't see me comin', 'cause I've got a hi-tech cloak.

I'd hunt in hot climates, like a South American jungle.
If a commando team came in, I'd be ready to rumble.

I'd test their fighting ablilites & survival skills.
Those who failed my challenge, I'd be forced to kill.

If someone defeated me in combat, and I knew I was a goner.
I'd bow my head in respect, for Predators have honor.

Or maybe I'd play a trick & set my self-destruct device.
And I will make no aplogies - Predators don't have to play nice.

p.s.  GET TO DE CHOPPA!

A Poem About My Favorite Type Of Coco - Conan O'Brien.

Let me tell you one thing, and I ain't lyin',
I'm excited about the return of Conan O'Brien.

In a contest of comedy I declare him the victor.
And love his sidekick, the great Andy Richter.

Let me say something else, in case you haven't heard:
Jay Leno is a no-talent turd.

His jokes are lame and his show is drivel.
I hope he gets ass-raped by the Devil.

I prefer Conan, he is smart and weird.
And he looks badass with that manly beard.

That's all I had to say, now I must go,

Cause I don't want to miss the next episode!

A Short Poem About A Short People - The Jawas!

If I lived on a desert world, I would want to be a Jawa.
And drive around the barren land in a bad ass Sand Crawla.

I'd hunt for treasure amongst crashed ships & remains of asteroids.
I'd earn my living on the side by selling stolen droids.

Jawas care not for man's laws, I like their society.
But mostly I just want an excuse to point and yell: "Utinni!"

p.s. Jawas rock!

A Serious Poem About Why I Don't Like October.

This poem has nothing to do with Star Wars or an 80s TV show.  But it does involve a hot chick...that I almost married!


For most folks October is great, a time for horror and fun.
But not for me, I surely dread that early setting sun.

This month reminds me of the time I had a special love.
But time revealed she was not sent from Heaven up above.

I came to learn that she was only nice on the outside.
Inside she was mean as sin, and she took me for a ride.

Our drive down love's highway ended in a crash.
For her heart wrote checks that her nature couldn't cash.

Our relationship was tumultuous, it's hard to explain it.
It was kind of like a cross between The Graduate and Blue Velvet.

I spent time in a haze of passion, a blizzard of sex snow.
And I met scary people that I didn't want to know.

It felt like an eternity, but it didn't last that long.
And there was no artful direction, or kick ass Simon & Garfunkel songs.

I couldn't think straight around her, distracted 'cause she was so pretty.
And I constantly forgave her, even though she treated me shitty.

We became as good as married in our minds, but married in the mind's no good.
I ripped that last part off from a Weezer song - just wanted that understood.

We first met in October, and this cannot be forgotten.
And I still remember the fun we had, even though it all turned rotten.

People can't seem to understand why I feel so haunted.
If you've ever loved then you should know - it's a powerful thing to be wanted.

So this month feels extra cold to me, and I don't feel too groovy.
I have to distract myself with poetry and horror movies.

But what disturbs me the most and sometimes frays my sanity.

Is that she was the only girl I ever loved - so what does that say about me?

p.s. That last part was too melodramatic but it sounded good so I went for it!

Wooooo! A Natural Poem About The Nature Boy - Ric Flair!

Wooooo! A Natural Poem About The Nature Boy - Ric Flair!

 

The Nature Boy - WOOOOOOOOO! - Ric Flair!
Stylin' and Profilin' with platinum hair!

Will he ever retire - nobody knows.
When he gets pissed he yells & takes off his clothes.

He's still takin' ladies atop space mountain.
When he gets busted open he still bleeds a fountain.

He's earned the right to strut and gloat.
He had many a great match with Ricky Steamboat.

He's got tons of money and he's still makin loads.
It was also awesome when he fought Dusty Rhodes.

If you don't like The Nature Boy - you can shove it.
He's the greatest of all time - "Learn...ta love it!"

p.s. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Wonderful Poem About A Wonderful Wookie - Chewbacca!

I want Chewbacca to ride with me, and be my co-pilot.
We both hate The Empire, so we'll team-up to fight it.

When Stormtroopers attack us, Chewie will snap their necks.
Then we'll make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

We'll hide out in asteroid fields, even though they can get bumpy.
And I'll ask Chewbacca why he named his son Lumpy.

I'll modify the navi-computer to make the ship go faster.
While Chewie hunts the Mynocks, with his great Bowcaster.

If Chewie gets cranky, I'll make some space cookies.
Heed the words of Han Solo: don't upset a Wookie.

We'll send the ship into hyperspace, and then we'll travel far.
Me and my best friend - a giant dog-man from the stars.

p.s. Chewbacca does have a son named Lumpy.  Seriously.

A Metal Thrashing Mad Poem About How Scott Ian Ruined Anthrax.

Even if you have no interest in metal or Anthrax, I encourage you to read this poem because it tells a complete story that is based on TRUE events.  I am very proud of it.

Also, I saw the John Bush version of Anthrax live on two occasions with my buddy Matt.  So this one goes out to him!

Scott Ian, you turd, what have ye done?
Not long ago,you were metal's favorite son.
Now it's up to me,to relate a sad story.
Of how he ruined Anthrax in a desperate bid for glory.

He had dreams of the 80s, when he was young & rich.

So he appealed to Sharon Osbourne, that money grubbing bitch.
She said she'd put Anthrax on The Ozzfest, but on one condition.
The original 'Thrax must hit the stage, they'd sell it as a reunion.

They'd have to get back together with Joey Belladonna.
If Scott had balls he would have said, "No, I'm not gonna!"

Instead he drove that great singer, John Bush, from the band.

And with this shitty act, he betrayed the hardcore fans.

Let me say right now, John Bush w/Anthrax was excellent.
If you don't like those albums, you can go get bent.

So they got Joey back, and thought they'd passed the test.

And then that ho-bag Sharon didn't put them on Ozzfest.

Scott's efforts were for naught, it's sad but also funny.
The band still toured with Belladonna, and made a little bit of money.

But it didn't last long, Joey Belladonna just ain't cool.
So then they found this other guy, and he was a total tool.

His vocals ripped off John Bush, his name I can't remember.

He got kicked out of the band for SHITTING on another memeber.

John Bush won't come back, he's had a better fate.
He rejoined his previous band, the great Armored Saint.
But Anthrax is now shattered, in a constant state of flux.
And it's all Scott Ian's fault, I think he totally sucks.

p.s. I am not making this up - the rip off John Bush took a dump on Frank Bello while he was asleep on their tour bus.  He thought it would be funny.  He was wrong.

p.p.s.  As of this writing, Joey Belladonna is back in the band.  The horror...the horror....

A Bionic Poem About How I Want To Be Like My Hero - The Six Million Dollar Man

If I were in a horrific plane crash, like Colonel Steve Austin
Then maybe I could get bionic parts, I think that would be awesome.

I'd have robotic legs and eyes and ears and arms.
Then I could be a hero, and keep the world from harm.

I could survive gunshots, and other powerful blasts.
I when I really needed to, I could run really fast.

If I came across a wall, I could jump really high.
And I could lift real heavy shit and toss it into the sky.

No harm would come to America, not on my watch.
And one of my best friends would be a robotic Sasquatch.

Bad guy would always lose, they'd never see me comin.'
Another special bonus: I'd get to date The Bionic Woman.

p.s. In reality I would die horribly if I were in an experimental plane crash.  But a boy can dream, can't he?

A Transformational Poem About Transformers! With A Stunning Realization At The End!

I like Transfomers because they kick ass.
I like it whenever giant robots clash.

I like it when they become cars or guns.
I wish I could transform, that would be fun.

If I were a robot, I would fight crime.
I would follow the teachings of Optimus Prime.

Or maybe I would be more like Starscream.
And lust for power, and have evil dreams.

I also really like Galvatron
I'd disintegrate my enemies, they would be gone.

It would also be rad to be Hot Rod.
I'd open The Matrix to defeat evil gods.

Wait, I HAVE transformed, I didn't even know it.
For I have become a Kick Ass Poet.

p.s. That last part was cheesy, but I don't care!

A Ghostly Poem About That Babe On Ghost Hunters - Kris Williams

I would like to be ghost hunted, by Ms. Kris Williams.

If I were a phantom, I would totally try to feel them.


When she's on a case, she always wears tight shirts.

This makes my pants tight, and something starts to hurt.


She is totally hot, a perfect beauty vision.

I would run around with her, hunting apparitions.


We could visit haunted houses, and stay out all night.

Just to be near her, I would risk a deathly fright.


I think she is a total package, she really has the most.

I definitely want to haunt her, as a man...or as a ghost!

p.s.  The other chick on that show is also cute.

Knight Rider - A Shadowy Poem About A Man Who Doesn't Exist...And How I Want To Be Like Him.

I want to be like Michael Knight, and have a talking car.

If I had a supercharged crime figthing machine, I bet I could get far.


We'd go on secret missions, and help all those in need.

And we wouldn't charge any money, for heroes have no greed.


We'd outrace all the bad guys, and smash any racket.

I'd grow a permy white-man fro, and wear a leather jacket.


All my friends would clap and cheer and yell: "You're on a roll, man!"

Especially after I rescued the Special Guest Star: Gary Coleman.


All the chicks would come to see us, when we drove into town.

Cause a dude who has a talking car is the baddest dude around.


And once the threat was over, and we had won fight.

KITT and I would disappear and ride...into the night.

P.S.  There was an episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold got rescued by Knight Rider.  I'm not making this up, I swear!

Ladies, Anatomically Correct Male Sex Dolls Are NOT The Answer!

This is based on a real-life incident.  That I saw on TV.

Flipping through the channels one night, I saw something that made me sick
A group of really hot babes sucking on a synthetic dipstick

They thought it was totally awesome, that a fake man was really rad
Me, all I saw was failure, and lives destined to be sad.

A big rubber man might satisfy you, and fulfill your lusty needs
But he can never hold your hand, or perform any manly deeds.

He can't hold you in his arms, and listen to your problems
He can't declare his love for you, and do his best to solve them.

Perhaps I shouldn't be too harsh, this is a cold, cruel world
A sex doll man might be the answer, for many lonely girls.

I wish that I could fix this, and call them on the phone.
Cause no good woman should despair or ever be alone.

p.s. Unless you're one of those psycho chicks who think men suck and shouldn't talk or have emotion.  Then I think you should stick with the sex doll, I have no use for you.

A Milftastic Poem About Ms. Lauren Graham

I consider Lauren Graham to be the Milfiest Milf on the planet, even though she doesn't have any kids.  At least not yet.  After she reads my poem, things might change....

Lauren Graham, Lauren Graham
Won't you let me be your man?
We could laugh and dance and have a real good time.

Lauren Graham, Lauren Graham
I want you to understand
I would treat you like a queen if you were mine.

I know we live in different stages
I don't care about our different ages
I got good lovin' and I want to use it.

I know you're really over thirty
And I still think you're really purty
The older the violin, then sweeter is the music.

Both of us are really funny
If we teamed up it would equal money
If we were an auction, we'd get a billion bids.

We could have a lot of fun
I think you are MILF #1
Even though you don't have any kids.

P.S. That last part would change after we hook up.

A Powerful Poem About A Powerful Jedi - Yoda!

My greatest wish in the world,
when I was only three

Was for Yoda to leave Dagobah,
and come and live with me.

We could hide in my Grandpa's woods
and stay in there for hours.

Yoda could lift me in the air
by using Jedi powers.

We'd play with Star Wars figures
and stay up all night.

I could make Yoda happy
by giving him a flashlight.

And then when I got older,
he would be my source

For information and guidance
on the ways of The Force.

But then RETURN came out,
and I saw that Yoda died.

My little heart was broken
and I cried and cried and cried.

My dad said it's just make believe
and better, I did feel.

But to this day, deep in my heart,

I still think Yoda's real.

A Kick Ass Poem About Ms. Alison Brie (Remastered and Expanded Edition)

Alison Brie, if you ask me
Is the prettiest girl in all of history.

I believe she is a perfect ten, not too big and not too thin
With blue eyes like the ocean and I want to take a swim.

I love the sound of her voice, when I hear it I rejoice
I would hear it everyday, if I had the choice.

I hope that she has someone fine, with whom she can spend her time
If not I will call the Law and report a crime.

If I found she was alone, I would wish to call her phone
Say hello, then read to her this kick ass poem.

I WILL Wear An E.T. Necklace!

I WILL wear an E.T. necklace,
I think that he is cool.

I don't care if they laugh at me,
I think that E.T. rules.

I know E.T. is odd and
he looks like a space monkey.

I love films from the '80s
even though the effects are funky.

Our real world is cold and dark,
and often very tragic.

I prefer the world of E.T.,
for I believe in magic.

p.s. I wish they would start putting E.T.'s picture on Reese's Pieces bags again.  It made them more fun to eat.

A Foxy Poem About Ms. Megan Fox

Yeah, it's obvious, it's Megan Fox
And like most dudes, I want to bang her lots.

I don't care if she's kind of dumb
I don't care if she has big thumbs.

I don't care if she can't act
I just want to get her on her back.

I'm not concerned with Brian Austin Green
I saw him get killed by a Terminator machine.

Wait, I forgot, that was not real life
In reality she is his wife.

I've got nothing against that fellow
I liked him on Smallville when he played Metallo.

So I'll leave her alone 'til she divorces him
And then I'm gonna slip right in.

p.s. I really don't think her acting is all that bad.  Seriously.

A Tough Poem About Me And Mr. T

If I could have a celebrity best friend,  it would be Mr. T

We'd wear matching gold chains and mohawks, for all the world to see!

We'd help the kids, respect the women and challenge all the rude.

If words didn't work, then we'd fight, and Mr. T would THROW them dudes!

Mr. T is the champion of the world, and friend to all who are cool.

If you don't like Mr. T then I pity you, fool!

p.s. Drink milk!

An ACTION PACKED Poem About The Time I Dreamt I Was Robocop

One time I dreamt I was Robocop
And I got shot at quite a lot.

My gun spoke twice and it shouted lead
Crooks in my way were bathed in red.

It didn't hurt when I took a fall
I could crush some skulls and smash through walls.

It kind of sucked, being cold and alone
Cyborgs ain't got a robo-bone.

But I kept folks safe when I hit the street
So overall it was pretty sweet.

P.S.  Your move, creep.

A Cosmic Poem About Ms. Princess Leia.

Princess Leia, Princess Leia
So many things I want to say-a

We could have a lot of fun
I like your hair when it's in a bun

I'd love to kiss your pretty face
Then rock you into hyperspace

You are the space girl of my dream
If your hot mom was alive, two words: tag team!

You've inspired all this awesome rhymin'
And I forgive you for marrying Paul Simon

P.S.  Wear the slave girl outfit.

A classic poem that I wrote about a hot chick I went to college with.

I wrote this poem about this gal who was in some of my production classes at MTSU.  She was super awesome.  She was smart, funny, and very classy.  She was as classy as Veronica Corningstone in Anchorman.  I have the utmost respect for her and I wish I could remember her last name so I could track her down.  If I ever get to host a late night talk show, I totally want her to be my sidekick, as I have never met anyone better at improv than she was.  So here it is:


"Ode To Becky"

She was tall and pretty

With a beautiful smile

Legs that went on for miles!

I miss you, Becky.

Single tear.

p.s. She also had big hooters.

A Kick Ass Poem About Ms. Alison Brie

I found out her last name is actually pronounce Bree, so this poem is now obsolete.  But I will keep it up here for historical purposes.


Alison Brie

I cannot tell a lie

You're so pretty I could cry

If I kissed you I would die


You are a perect 10

Not too big and not too thin

Your eyes are blue like the ocean and I want to take a swim.

The end.

P.S.  Let's go get some BBQ and get busy.